Pregnancy: The Best Time of Your Life

An Individual Experience: 

I am not pregnant now, but have been, and it was far from the best time of my life. It was emotionally and physically challenging.  The books I had read had not prepared me for the emotional and physical challenges of pregnancy and motherhood.

My first child was born in December 1998. However, the story begins 9 months earlier, in Uvira, a city in South Kivu, Democratic Republic of the Congo (DRC).

My partner was working with refugees displaced by the regional wars along the border of Burundi, Rwanda, and the DRC. We were on our way to Goma, a northern city in the DRC. While in Goma, I secured a one-month contract back in Burundi.

My period was late within a week of starting my contract.   I worried and waited to do a test until my partner returned.  As this was my first pregnancy, the possibility of an ectopic pregnancy, which occurs when a fertilized egg implants outside the uterus, was a concern.

At that time, Burundi was under a medical embargo, and if something went wrong, medical treatment might not be available. A medical embargo is a trade restriction placed on a country to address Human Rights violations. It is a non-violent negotiation strategy that inhibits the import and export of needed medical supplies. This approach is somewhat controversial because it may affect those with the greatest need, but that is a topic for another day.

Upon my partner’s arrival, a pregnancy test confirmed I was pregnant. The next step was to get an ultrasound to ensure my pregnancy was progressing normally. Deciding where to get an ultrasound was comical; neither of us spoke the required French to explain what we needed.  In the late 90’s, Google Translate did not exist. We had a notepad and drew a picture of what we hoped resembled a pregnant woman. A doctor was found, and my first ultrasound was done at a small clinic on the main street in Bujumbura. We were both overjoyed.

The doctor reviewed my ultrasound results and asked me how I was feeling. My response was “fine”. He then told me that many of his patients were lined up at the hospital with morning sickness.

I was overwhelmed, anxious about just about everything, and had no space in my brain to comprehend what this all must have been like for my partner. It was about me. My changing body, my moods, my desire to get back to the 118 pounds. Was this a sign of Postpartum depression or the baby blues?

Postpartum Depression affects between 10 to 20% of women globally. This number is actually higher in developing countries due to several risk factors. Many cases go unreported. That said, it is important to differentiate this condition from what is often referred to as the “Baby Blues,” which is thought to impact about 80% of mothers after the birth. Postpartum Anxiety may also occur.  These three conditions are aggravated by hormonal changes, but they differ in longevity and intensity.

As my hormones shifted, I settled into motherhood, and my partner returned to the DRC to finish his contract.

When my partner returned two months later, the transition was not easy.  Transitioning from life in a war zone to life with a new baby brought its own stresses. In some ways, it was harder because I had already settled into caring for our son in my own way. We were both in survival mode. The stress was high, and my ability to manage it was limited.

Research certainly supports the view that a child’s birth affects the quality of the relationship. This impact can be positive or negative. Jay Belsky, a researcher and author of The Transition to Parenthood: How the First Child Changes a Marriage: Why Some Couples Grow Closer and Others Apart, followed 250 couples from pregnancy to a child’s third birthday. 

Doss (2009) and colleagues, in their article “The Effects of the Transition to Parenthood on Relationship Quality: An Eight-Year Prospective Study,” followed 218 couples. Stress and how it is managed are distinguishing factors between couples that show positive relationship changes and those that do not.

“Following the transition to parenthood, both fathers and mothers showed a sudden increase in negative observed communication. Additionally, mothers, but not fathers, also reported a sudden increase in poor conflict management and problem intensity, as well as a sudden decrease in relationship confidence after birth”.

These factors all impact the “Baby Blues”, postpartum depression and anxiety.  Stress is a risk factor.  My pregnancy was stressful; it was unplanned and physically difficult. The resulting C-section was also unexpected.  The complexity of my emotions, my sense of identity, and the physiological and physical changes were overwhelming.

Research illustrates that a woman’s first pregnancy can be particularly challenging.  This is compounded by those whose first pregnancy is later in life. The identity shift from being an independent individual to “motherhood” is profound, and many struggle psychologically. Many often struggle in silence. The roles of motherhood can severely interfere with a previously defined sense of identity. This can be particularly relevant for those having children later in life.

“I remember vividly the first time I thought of myself as a mom. I was sitting at my desk working, my son lay behind me on his sheepskin mat, happily playing.  Feeling cold, I caught myself thinking, “Mommy needs a sweater.  I remember giggling to myself upon realizing I had called myself “mommy.””

The birth of a child and the compounding factors of sleep deprivation, hormonal changes, and increased responsibility compound previously existing issues. Pre-existing conditions become risk factors for pre- and postpartum depression.  For those in partnerships facing pre-existing challenges, or what is identified in the research as enduring vulnerabilities,such as poverty or employment stressors, the birth of a child will intensify these vulnerabilities.

But for others, the risk factors are an invitation to seek out protective opportunities. Support networks are essential, as discussed in my book, More than Luck: Cultivating a Resilient Mindset. Support networks can significantly reduce feelings of depression and anxiety, normalize our experience and validate our emotions.

The baby group I joined through the local health authority, in my state of emotional overwhelm, was a protective opportunity. It was here, in a circle of new mothers, that I was able to voice that I had been quietly noticing about myself, my moods continued to feel unpredictable, my reactions were often unnecessary, and although there were moments of joy, something was not quite right.