How Good Communication Can Fix Tough Problems
In my book, More than Luck Cultivation: A Resilient Mindset Navigating Life and Adversity, I explore the importance of understanding our communication patterns to not only strengthen our sense of self but also to recognize how these patterns shape the outcomes of our lives. This is especially true for our personal and professional relationships.
There are two primary modes of communication: verbal and non-verbal. While we often focus on the words we choose, it is equally important to consider tone, facial expression, posture, timing, and emotional regulation. These various dimensions of our nonverbal communication can either strengthen a relationship or slowly erode the foundation of our significant relationships.
In this post, I am going to examine the importance of nonverbal communication, how it can make or break a relationship, and how good communication can fix touch problems.
I want to start with nonverbal communication
I want to start with non-verbal communication because, if you do not know, it is more influential than verbal communication. A substantial body of research indicates that nonverbal cues, such as facial expression, tone of voice, posture, gestures, and physiological arousal, often carry more relational meaning than the words themselves.
One of the most well-known research studies in this area was conducted by John Gottman and colleagues. Decades of observational research conducted at the Gottman Institute have helped us understand and predict marital stability and divorce. The “Love Den” laboratory, as it is commonly referred to, invites couples to discuss areas of ongoing conflict while they are videotaped and physiologically monitored. Measures indicate heart rate, skin conductance (a proxy for perspiration and arousal), and micro-expressions.
Their findings indicate that certain nonverbal behaviours, particularly facial expressions of contempt (e.g. eyerolling, unilateral lip raises), tone shifts, and dismissive body language, are the strongest predictors of relationship breakdown. Contempt is defined as one of “Four Horsemen”, along with criticism, defensiveness and stonewalling, a term Gottman uses, to explain how relationships break down.
A Strong Predictor of A Good Relationship
Nonverbal indicators are often stronger predictors of relational distress than the content of the discussion. For this reason, it is important to address the underlying feelings of resentment, anger and disconnection before two individuals can reap the benefits of enhanced verbal communication. As noted in my book.
Nonverbal indicators are often stronger predictors of relational distress than the content of the discussion. For this reason, it is important to address the underlying feelings of resentment, anger and disconnection before two individuals can reap the benefits of enhanced verbal communication. As noted in my book:
High-Stake Conversations
In high-stakes conversations, whether in intimate relationships, leadership contexts, or within an organization, subtle nonverbal cues often determine the outcome. Nonverbal communication regulates safety, conveys respect or contempt, and signals openness or threat. Understanding these dynamics is foundational to relational success.
The importance of nonverbal communication is often not discussed in the therapeutic process. Individuals often seek verbal communication skills to enhance their communication patterns and deepen their relational connections.
“I” Statements
It is certainly true that using “I” statements, actively listening, and being aware of communication roadblocks (such as sarcasm, judgment, preaching, and commanding) can enhance our ability to communicate with others. However, your nonverbal communication can diminish the impact of your verbal communication.
Here is a little acronym drilled into us students during my undergraduate degree; it might help you increase your awareness of your nonverbal communication.
SOLER
Communication and Culture
Stay tuned for more information on how culture influences our personal space, what cultures require the greatest personal space, and the importance of eye contact across cultures.
My book More than Luck: Cultivating a Resilient Mindset-Navigating Life and Adversity equally offers a model of guiding principles that might help. You can easily order it from my website or Amazon.
If you are struggling to understand your different communication patterns, do not hesitate to reach out for support. If working with me is of
interest, do not hesitate to take advantage of my 15-minute consultation
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