The Role of Friendship in Building Resilience and Well-Being
In the calm aftermath of Christmas and the beginning of a New Year, my inbox fills with holiday greetings and warm wishes for the coming year. I am reminded of the many amazing people I have in my life, the friends, acquaintances, colleagues and members of my wider community who bring me joy, meaning, connection and mental well-being.
At the same time, I am mindful of the energy it takes to nurture these relationships and my gratitude for these individuals, regardless of how much time we spend together. I am equally mindful of the individuals who struggle to create and sustain friendships and networks of support.
In my book More than Luck: Cultivating a Resilient Mindset-Navigating Life and Adversity, I explore seven characteristics that my research and practice affirm for those with high levels of resilience. Chapter 7 highlights the importance of our friendships and networks of support.
Have you ever wondered how many friends you can realistically maintain?
British anthropologist Robin Dunbar provides some answers. His research suggests that most people have:
- 5 close friends,
- 15 good friends,
- 50 more who we consider friends,
- 150 people in our broader social network.
However, with the rise of the internet and social media, this number has increased to about 500 people with whom we can maintain contact. Of course, relationships are not static. People naturally move in and out of these circles and groups, and some who were once close friends may eventually leave that intimate circle, while others may re-enter after a long hiatus.
How Long Do Friendships Last
Research on the longevity of friendships by sociologist Gerald Mollenhorst and colleagues indicates that we replace half our social network every seven years. Some may last a lifetime, others only for the chapter in our book of life, or maybe a paragraph. What matters is our capacity to build relationships, nurture them over time, and maintain a community of care.
We are Wired to Connect and Loneliness is Increasing
We are wired to connect. It nourishes our nervous system, feeds our soul, and brings moments of joy and belonging into our lives. Yet paradoxically, our relationships are also among the most common sources of stress—when our connections are severed, or our expectations are unmet.
What is most concerning is the growing prevalence of loneliness. In 2021, the Survey Center on American Life reported that the number of people reporting having no close friends was higher than in 1990. Loneliness arises when we struggle to connect with our partner or friend and feel unfulfilled with the connection. Loneliness reflects the gap between our desired expectation for a connection and our reality. Spending time with someone doesn’t necessarily mean you have a relationship of care and connection. This is why loneliness can occur in a partnership, a friendship, or a community.
The Roots of Loneliness Project provides additional information on the prevalence and challenges of loneliness today.
Gratitude Letters for Building Resilience and Buffering Loneliness
As we come to the end of the year, I encourage you to take stock of who matters most to you and reflect on how you might reduce loneliness, both for yourself and others. And, how you can nurture and strengthen your friendships.
- Make a list of the important people in your life,
- Commit to writing a gratitude letter each week.
Set an intention to start in January.
Send a real letter, not an email or text, but something tangible that can be held, reread, and treasured.
If you are looking for inspiration, revisit this post from Rock, Paper, Scissors gratitude letter practice. Lee-Anne’s commitment to the process is impressive and inspiring, and it was just what I needed to take an idea to action, but I will be skipping the painted card portion.
Please download my Gratitude Resource from the resource page on my website. Print it and place it somewhere visible, such as your day planner or fridge. See how you feel at the end of the year.
I will be waiting to hear what you discovered.
If this reflection resonated with you, More than Luck: Cultivating a Resilient Mindset Navigating Life and Adversity explores these ideas in greater depth. Specifically, in Chapter 7, I examine how friendship, community, and social support strengthen resilience and foster meaningful connections.
If you are looking for practical, research-based guidance on increasing resilience and reducing loneliness, my book may be a good place to start.
If this post resonated with you, please give it a like, leave a comment and let me know what you found interesting, or share it and help us combat loneliness and increase connection and resilience.
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