Is it Attachment Style or Strategie
If you are like many, you have heard the word “Attachment” used to explain how we relate to others and why our relationships unfold the way they do. But how many of you know where the theories of attachment originated?
Attachment theory was developed by John Bowlby and empirically supported by Mary Ainsworth. Although this research was conducted within a Western individualistic context, Ainsworth was instrumental in examining attachment across cultures, confirming the core principles that early, consistent nurturing shapes relational patterns. It is important to note that Bowlby’s original assertion that attachment relates to the mother has been expanded to include any consistent, predictable caregiver, a critical shift given diverse family structures, collective cultures, and caregiving by extended family members or community members.
Is Attachment a Fixed State?
But here is the thing: what is often overlooked is the fact that we do not develop fixed attachment styles so much as attachment strategies. Strategies are adaptive responses to early caregiving; they are ways of coping, not character flaws, and they do not define our destiny. Attachment styles might be related, but they do not tell the whole story, and they may have nothing to do with the nurturing we received in our early years.
There are a few things you need to know about nurturing in the early years. It needs to happen! In extreme cases, where babies are left in their cribs for extended periods, it can limit the physical capacity of a child’s brain development. I am not talking about these extreme cases.
I am referring to the many people in the world who nurture with the best of intentions, but, based on their own attachment strategies, of which they are unaware, they evoke a response that creates an attachment strategy that makes a more difficult connection with their child.
The Adult Attachment Interview
Children are not born with a defined attachment strategy; it is learned from their parents. A child’s attachment strategy can be inferred from their caregiver’s results on the Adult Attachment Interview (AAI), a tool grounded in Bowlby and Ainsworth’s work, developed by Mary Main and colleagues. This makes attachment theory not only relevant for parents, but for anyone seeking to understand how early experience shapes our present relationships.
Let us now look at how these strategies might develop in a child. The intention here is not to place blame on your parents, but to create awareness, because a strategy merely defines a way of coping. It does not define our destiny, but it can without a clear understanding of the behaviour patterns that keep reinforcing these strategies.
The good news is that approximately 55-65% of people develop secure attachment strategies. These individuals generally experienced caregivers who responded consistently to their emotional needs, allowing them to feel safe to explore, grow and develop an authentic sense of self. The percentages illustrated here reflect the Western world, but given the theory’s cross-cultural applicability, it can be generalized to non-Western cultures.
Others have developed strategies that reflect adaptations, which can, in extreme cases, be considered disorders.
Avoidant attachment ( 20-25%) comes from situations in which the parent is unresponsive and unaware of a child’s emotional needs. The child learns that their need will not be met, and as a result, they resist trying and turn inward to avoid disappointment.
Ambivalent Attachment (10-15%) results from inconsistent parenting techniques that cause confusion and often anxiety. Caregivers may oscillate between over-involvement and being emotionally unavailable, often driven by unresolved issues from their own past.
Disorganized Attachment (5 -15%) develops in environments where caregivers are frightening or unpredictable, leading to profound confusion and distrust that become embedded more deeply in our nervous system.
Each of these strategies is a form of resilience. They are creative solutions and coping methods in environments where care is inconsistently available.
Attachment strategies can change, but only with awareness. I invite you to reflect on how your early experiences may be shaping your current relationship, emotional responses and patterns of connection. Please do not hesitate to reach out if you would like to explore this in more depth and learn how attachment-informed work can support deeper connection, healing, growth and greater resilience. Our past is not our destiny, but it does reflect the seeds of our future growth and transformation.
Thanks for being here, and stay tuned for future posts that can help you understand your attachment strategies and others without blame or judgment, but with curiosity, and learn how to reclaim choice.
